This time next week I will be on a plane to Melbourne. I'm going there to interview a potential psychiatrist so my move to Melbourne -- early next year -- will be as smooth as possible.
Of course I'm nervous about meeting this guy, but that's not the reason my stomach is in knots and my head is screaming all those awful fat hating jibes.
I'm terrified that I won't fit into the plane seat. It's ridiculous really since last year -- June -- I flew to Melbourne and while the seat belt and the seat were a little snug I did, indeed, fit. Albeit I sucked in my flab so no one would complain about me. Not that they would have since I sat in the window seat with my mum sitting next to me. Any complainers would have been more inclined to complain about my mum than me. But rational thinking isn't always my strongest point.
Usually I don't think about these things, well not to the degree that it's already causing me stress and anxiety. Of course we all know I'm prone to both of those, so I suppose it's not really such a big step to worrying about something I have no control over -- at least not a week from the flight.
You see, I saw on Today Tonight (a "current affairs" program aired in Australia) yet another diet to lose those "unsightly rolls" etc. I don't pay much attention to these segments other than to shake my fist menacingly at the tv and provide a running commentary on what bullshit they're saying. This time, however, something stuck. A woman was saying how she was embarrassed to have to ask for the seat belt extender on flights. All I could think was: Oh shit, that's going to be me.
I don't necessarily look as huge as I feel, of course I look bigger than some people -- okay perhaps a lot of people -- but I fit in cinema seats, bus seats, car seat and pretty much all other kinds of seats without my fatty bits invading someone else's territory. In some part, because of these things, I told myself that as long as I could still sit in those things without invading another's territory then I was an "acceptable" fatty. Hey, I never said my strongest suit was being rational. I don't mean to say that anyone bigger than me is a "bad fatty" or thinner than me a "good fatty" etc. The rules applied to myself are extremes and do not apply to anyone else, ever. If only I respected myself as much as I respect others. Anyway, that's a post more suited for the mental health blog.
On Saturday as I was sitting on my bed deciding what I should wear, it suddenly struck me that I would need to lose weight by Wednesday the 5th October so I could, comfortably, fit into the plane seat and do the buckle up.
My initial reaction was: OMGWTF are you thinking? 1. You don't have time to lose enough weight (I think I'm a lot bigger than I am) and 2. Where do you think you're going to get the motivation to actually do what you want to do?
My secondary reactions was: OMGWTF are you entirely insane? You've been following FA blogs for a while and you're far more aware of how beautiful your body can be and now, because of some stupid flippant comment on a tv show you don't even like, you want to lose weight to conform to society's acceptable look? Are you fucking kidding me?
I'm ashamed that I felt this dire need to conform, to change myself to "fit in" instead of asking and/or demanding -- although demanding doesn't usually get anyone anywhere -- I be accepted exactly as I am. However, I'm not the only one who has moments of self consciousness and incredibly low self esteem. It's not easy being who you are and having friends, family, and even strangers tell you how wrong you are. Sometimes even the strongest people have moments of self doubt. It's comforting even if it doesn't decrease the shame I still feel for allowing such thoughts to run rampant.
It's hard to share this, honestly, with anyone. My weight is still a sore topic for me and no matter how many times I talk about it I still wait for the other shoe to drop; the fat hatred to begin. Still, I felt it important to share this with you, with anyone who may read this, because nothing is that simple. It's easy to make informed choices and decisions, but it's incredibly hard to maintain those choices and decisions.
4 comments:
Ah - we've all been there in the "maybe if I lose x kilos before sundown I can fit into the seat" mindset! You're not alone there.
I fly all the time and I HATE it. But I worked out things that help me to fly comfortably and so I'm not a shaking, angry mess when I get to my destination.
Pick an aisle seat. I get claustrophic so being able to see open space to my side helps my anxiety. It also means I can lean into the aisle a little if the bloke next to me gets all "I own the armrests" and obnoxious.
Never pick an exit seat or a front row seat (like in Virgin). They might look appealing, but they are usually narrower due to the table being in the armrests.
Don't eat on the flight. Mainly the food is disgusting, but also because the tray table never goes down and I HATE it resting on my belly. Take your own water or iced tea and drink from that instead. Sometimes I'll ask for the bag of pretzels if I'm peckish - I can eat that without the tray table being down.
If you do end up needing a seatbelt extender, don't press the buzzer, just grab an attendant as they fly past. Be proud. No point being a mouse about it, and I refuse to be embarassed on principle. The attendants are usually discrete about the extender - they understand that you could potentially be embarassed about the issue. I just act as if it is nothing special. Buckle up, carry on reading.
Also - a big cheery hello and a smile helps for snarly passengers who sit next to you. If they at least think you are pleasant, or quiet, they won't get so uppity. But never apologise. We all have our "faults". The passenger might be one of those blokes who have massive balls and their legs sprawl into your space becasue they can't close them. Like those guys on the Action busses. Ha ha!
Good luck with your interview! Hope he/she is the best pschiatrist for you (I was going to say "perfect" but I know there is no such thing!)
Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing this post.
I recently felt such anxiety when flying home for a visit. I was so worried. I almost was in a panic for a week. Then the day of the flight, it could not have gone more smoothly. Even a friendly person started conversing with me the whole time of the flight. There were no problems or rudeness. I was SO relieved, as I'd gained more weight than I had ever been while flying.
I can so relate to those feelings, where I am now reading FA blogs and articles...I could not agree more with HAES. Yet, I admit, part of me is planning a diet.
I think we can change the world, though. You do every time you speak out on the issue and express yourself. Thanks for sharing.
Good luck with the flight. I'm flying in a couple of weeks and hadn't really thought about it. I am now though!
I'm learning about intuitive eating at the moment, hoping to make peace with food, but I'm so constantly afraid of getting fatter. Every time I eat. Ugh! I know it's counterproductive and just the sort of thought that I need to get rid of, but, so hard to let go of a lifetime of this stuff.
It's good to know other people still struggle as well. Thank you for sharing (and bravo!) your thoughts.
Michelle:
Thank you for your fantastic ideas to make flying easier! I'll still pick the window seat (I prefer to squash myself against it if it means I can see out) and follow the rest of your advice! I'm currently practicing how to ask for the extender in an attempt to override the anxiety and just "do it" when/if the time comes.
Thank you for your great suggestions! They've eased a lot of the anxiety I was feeling :)
Robin:
Thank you! Your encouragement and continued support make it easier to write, even if it isn't often!
I'm also really glad your flight went well. It's nice to hear some good stories about flying too. I mean, we've all heard the bad ones at some point.
HAES is wonderful and, like you, I agree with it completely. It makes a whole lot more sense than "guilt yourself thin" because thin is "beautiful" blah blah blah. However, I do still worry about what I eat and if I should stop eating or begin restricting calories and/or carbs. I don't ever "diet" per se, my dad always told me "diets do not work because they are extremely unhealthy" and that's always stuck.
Lisa:
I'm sorry I made you think about this! See Michelle's comment about suggestions how to deal with it! They're fantastic!
I like intuitive eating as it means we really need to listen to our bodies. I think that can only be a good thing!!
Thank you for responding!!
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